Because I only needed a few things and had been weakened by plaintive cries of “don’t put me in a trolley! I won’t touch any-fing!”, Tilly strutted through the supermarket this morning. Wooed by what I calculated would be at least an 80% reduction in whinging, I failed to consider: The 75% increase in time taken from entry to checkout, The 82% surge in my yelling (most of which was solely devoted to shouting “put that down!” in the egg and wine sections), A solid 36% more shin bruising thanks to her basket being swung about with gay abandon, An 8% price hike due to a little chocolate egg being snuck in when I wasn’t looking (to be fair, that probably happened while I was ferreting Creme Eggs deep under the bread bag hoping she wouldn’t notice), And a 147% spike in adrenaline when she momentarily disappeared as I was swiping the credit card. Numbers are not my strong point.
Sometimes a trip to the supermarket is an opportunity to teach my children about colors, numbers and healthy food choices. Other times it’s an opportunity to wonder if I can swap both kids for a bottle of Chardonnay and a rotisserie chicken.
It’s like grocery shopping with a small, noisy goat. On the upside, “holding” the shopping list keeps her passably quiet. On the downside, she generally chews/rips it and won’t give it back to me to check what’s written on it, so I always forget a bunch of stuff. With child #1, I would have worried that fellow shoppers were judging me for letting my child possibly ingest paper; but she’s the second child, so I enjoy the quiet and count it as her afternoon tea.
One minute you’re gently jiggling in the confectionary aisle to keep the baby in the front-pack asleep whilst you go about your shopping. Next thing you know, you’ve gotten a bit carried away with the jiggling, have started singing along a little too enthusiastically to the supermarket Muzak, and you turn to see a small, concerned crowd has gathered. By the way, Countdown, Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It” is an interesting soundtrack choice for Valentine’s Day, no?