The ratio of grandparents to children is now a healthy 3:2 They all keep saying things like “send them to our room if they wake up early!” “We can look after them while you guys go and do stuff” and “more wine?” (Actually that last one may have been me talking to myself, but yes please)
Was really looking forward to having a run today, until Tilly ominously said (well, as ominously as a 2 year old can sound) “don’t go for run, Mama. Don’t go BECAUSE OF THE BIRDIES”.
Fun things to hear when you’re racing about trying to get everyone in the car so we don’t sit in holiday traffic all day: “Mum! I’ve dropped my wand in the toilet AND WE’RE NOT LEAVING WITHOUT IT!” We’re now joining the line of traffic as the pungent aroma of disinfectant fills the car.
Tilly just took a pen from my hand and firmly said: “Only for grownups”. #ApparentlyNotAGrownUp
“Wait, Mum! Let me take a photo before we put it in the fridge”
I’ve had children for 4.5 years now. Yet I still find myself asking questions aloud, such as “why are there teeth marks in the toilet paper roll?” “Why are there dirty socks in the fridge?” What’s a fork doing jammed in the cat door?”, as if I expect a reasonable answer in response.
You know that guy who was in your friend group when you were a teenager who was always so much smarter than everyone else? The one you always knew would go far? We had one of those. He was crazy smart, as well as alarmingly good at sports and doing practical stuff. He would have been really annoying if he wasn’t so damn nice with it. This weekend I was panicking about electrocution from fairy lights, repeating “stop touching the Christmas tree. Stop touching the Christmas tree. Stop touching the Christmas tree” and googling “how bad is it if your kid eats tinsel”. I paused to have a soothing social media fix, and saw that my friend had also experienced a similar toddler-related conundrum, but had Mathsed and Scienced his way though it. So while I’m still shrieking at my children and standing on ornaments that are strewn all over the carpet (because “stop touching the Christmas tree” is an open challenge to a two year old), my friend is probably sitting around with his super …
Prior to her school visits, I’m pretty sure Amy pulled Tilly aside and whispered, “Hey Tills, be a pal and act like a total shit-stick so that I will look angelic by comparison”. Because during 3 x vists to Amy’s 2016 school (if they’ll still take her), Tilly has: Trashed the classroom nativity scene Run off with the teacher’s permanent marker Yelled “It’s POOS!” when the teacher held up a picture of potatoes and asked the class what it was Performed an expressive dance in the middle of the orderly circle the children had formed during mat time Smashed a glass Up-ended jigsaw puzzles Inexplicably started chanting “All Blacks! All Blacks! All Blacks!” while running around the classroom as the other children studiously made Christmas cards Pulled apart a wooden rainbow Taken a bite out of a glue stick at the craft table. Meanwhile, Amy has been folding her arms, sitting nicely, singing along to class songs, and shooting warning looks at her delinquent little sister.
On leaving-to-go-home mornings, I approach the portacot in much the same way I’d approach a strange dog: with a wary smile, fake confidence, and a thin layer of sweat already forming on my skin. It’ll be different this time. I know I can do it. Pull up the centre…gently squeeze the middle of each section…ok it’s working…wait, one bit didn’t collapse…ok pull that bit back down…good…oh shit now the other half of it has locked again…NO ONE TALK! SERIOUSLY, DON’T EVEN MOVE!…pull that bit…good…what the actual..? how did two sides get locked again now… Over and over and over again, until I find myself wishing that Tilly would stop being such a tool about sleeping through the night, because when she can sleep in a proper bed I won’t ever again find myself sitting on the floor at 10am, contemplating a “special coffee” while staring at this clusterfuck:
So it looks like the “hey mum, can I borrow your shoes?” stage is going to hit much sooner than I’d anticipated. #FourYearOldBigHoofs
McPikelets 