Long Stuff
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Grooming while pregnant

Achieving a perfectly shaven leg whilst 9 months pregnant is easy! Try to ensure you’ve had minimal sleep due to pregnancy insomnia, then just follow these simple steps:

  1. Set toddler up with Pre-approved snacks, music and butterfly wings.
  2. Get in shower, wedge bum into one corner and foot into diagonally opposite corner. Try not to fall sideways.
  3. Realise neither soap nor razor can be reached from this position.
  4. Place razor between teeth and soap under armpit, and re-wedge body.
  5. Drop soap. Swear. Retrieve soap and resume wedged position. Lather leg.
  6. Explain to toddler that you can’t fix her butterfly wings right now.
  7. Get out of shower and fix butterfly wings.
  8. Get back in, resume wedged position, re-lather and quickly shave leg in a slap-dash, devil-may-care manner, using both right and left handed swipes with the razor.
  9. Re-wedge body into diagonal position to lather the next leg.
  10. Explain to toddler that you can’t take the label out of the back of her t-shirt right now, but that you’ll get the scissors and cut it out after your shower.
  11. Run dripping down the hallway to the kitchen upon hearing said toddler happily chirping “don’t worry mummy, I’ll get the scissors and cut it out myself!”
  12. Cut offending t-shirt label out.
  13. Get back in shower, re-assume wedged position, squirt soap at leg, and use left hand/right hand razor combo in a “wow, now you’re really dancing with the devil” fashion.
  14. Get out of shower. Apply small dot of moisturiser to toddler’s leg so that she’ll sit on the floor and rub it in, instead of fossicking through your bathroom drawer throwing eyeliner and tampons at the cat.
  15. Apply moisturiser to own left leg, marvelling at the silky-smooth finish despite the seemingly flawed shaving technique.
  16. Start applying moisturiser to right leg, and realise that you shaved your left leg twice and your right one not at all.
  17. Explain to toddler that the words you just yelled are only for Mummies and Daddies to say.
This entry was posted in: Long Stuff
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Some days I dream of greatness. Other days I just want to make it to bedtime without getting anything gross on me. Follow me over on Facebook.com/mcpikelets

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