Doctor’s simple instructions for Tilly’s eye drops:

  1. Lie toddler down quietly
  2. Use clean fingers to hold eyelid open
  3. Gently squeeze two drops into each eye
  4. Have toddler lie still for a few minutes to make sure the eyedrops have dispersed.

How it went down:

  1. Lay toddler on couch
  2. Used clean fingers to try and hold eyelid open
  3. Chased freaked-out toddler around house while she shouted “no mummy! no mummy!” loudly enough to alarm the neighbors.
  4. Tried to reason with toddler, remembered that toddlers don’t reason, so offered bribes. No show.
  5. Tackled then wrestled toddler to floor.
  6. Took a moment to acknowledge that I’d be totally awesome in some sort of greased piglet wrestling competition.
  7. Sang toddler’s favorite songs at high volume to calm her down while trying to pry her eyes open.
  8. Worried that she’d come over like one of Pavlov’s Dogs and associate her favorite songs with pain and fear.
  9. Started singing first non-child song that came into my head. It was Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name Of”.
  10. Flagged non-child song as inappropriate and started gibbering things like “oooo! Tilly! Look at the fairies on the ceiling!” and “I will give you an M&M if you keep still and open your eyes!”
  11. Wished I’d worn a bullet proof vest to dull the tiny-but-hurty knee and elbow blows being suffered my by boobs and ribs.
  12. Shouted “all done!” then, when she cautiously peered out from behind gunky eyelashes,  squirted the bottle over her upper-facial region in the hope that some would trickle into her eyes.
  13. Sat exhausted and panting while calculating how much money I’d need to save for future therapy sessions, which I’d definitely need to fork out for based on the betrayed “you have single-handedly just ruined my childhood” expression she was glaring at me with. Tally comes to more than the Lulu Lemon ensemble I was hoping to purchase so I could start looking more “I’m off to exercise fashionably!” and less “I haven’t showered yet” at Amy’s preschool drop offs.
  14. Handed over an M&M to the toddler. Handed over another M&M to the four year old who was screeching “WHY DOES TILLY GET A CHOCOLATE AND I DON’T? IT’S NOT FAIR! YOU’RE THE WORST MUMMY EVER!”
  15. Realised I’d only completed eye drop application one of four for the day.
  16. Decided I’d bring wine-time forward by an hour this evening and chalk it up to early acclimatisation for Daylight Saving.
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