I like to imagine that instead of a complex computery algorithm, there is a bunch of industry suits sitting around a table with imported snacks, craft beer and wine that was chosen for its bouquet rather than its marked down price, deciding what “sponsored” posts should show in my Facebook newsfeed.  Because this week I’ve seen all these ones, and I’m pretty sure the decision making process went down like this:

Man Suit 1: “Sooo…next up there’s this mother of two from New Zealand. She’s on Facebook a lot, and her main interests seem to be swearing and watching TV.”

Man Suit 2: “Quantitative feedback and my personal understanding of women is that mothers really like doing laundry. Not only that, but they LOVE hearing laundry stories from other mothers! Persil washing powder is one of our new clients and we really need eyeballs on their ad because they overspent on the talent for the shoot and their staff Christmas party, so let’s flog that shit to her. She’ll lap it up. OO! She’ll probably share it with her friends and start a stain removal message board!”

Woman Suit 1: “I bet that poor woman never gets time to go the bathroom by herself….”

Man Suit 3: “Good thinking, Woman Suit! She’s probably constipated as all hell. Let’s throw the new Metamucil ad at her. We’ve really funned it up by calling it ‘Better With Meta’, and ask “Has someone you know lost their mojo?” because it tested better than “Can’t poo?”. Austin Powers is probably the last movie she saw at the actual movies, so “mojo” is still completely relevant as a word. And it sounds like sex. Sex sells. Poo doesn’t.”

Woman Suit 2: “Mothers receive an average of five to seven hours of broken sleep per night. I’d say she’s really tired and consumes a lot of coffee…”

Man Suit 1: (*one second later*) “I’ve just had a thought: she’s probably really tired! Coffee! But judging by the amount of hours she’s online and the amount of times she’s searched “on sale”, I’m assuming she doesn’t work in an office and she’s probably on a budget. Better make it McDonald’s Coffee. But the McCafe coffee, so she can pretend it’s still a bit special and that maybe there might be a hot barista to flirt with”

Man Suit 3: *drains bottle of craft beer* “You know what sucks about having kids? My wife just isn’t the same “down there” as she used to be. Am I right, fellas? AMIRITE? huh-huh-huh. Let’s do her husband a solid and shove the ad for MEDIballs in her newsfeed. But put it straight after a funny post so that the LBL issue is recent and relevant”.

Woman Suit 1: “God I bet she’d love to have a drink.”

Woman Suit 2: “And get out of the house.”

Man Suit 2: “We need another post to fulfill our pie-chart design preferences of at least five categories. What else can we show her? What else are mothers into?”

Man Suit 1: “Do we have anything about a white goods sale? Weight loss tablets? Are any of our clients doing a showcase on carpet stain removal at the moment?”

Woman Suit 1 & 2: “JUST SHOW HER THE FUCKING GIN AD!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: “Oooo! Bombay Sapphire pop up bar and restaurant!” *clicks link*