All posts filed under: Short Stuff

Lost in translation

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Amy, mid-way through an account of something that may or may not have happened: “…and then I said, ‘I hate you!’” Me: Generic extended rant about never saying that to anyone / hurt feelings / how would you like it / hate is a very strong word / blah blah boring parent speech etc etc etc. Amy: *dramatic side-eyes action* “Mummmmmmm, ‘I hate you’ is actually Spanish for ‘I’m a bit busy playing right now, can I just play with you later? I love you, bye’, so THAT’S what I really meant.” Yeahh, I missed the episode of Dora where she and Boots were being complete tools to Benny the Bull, but then it actually just transpired to be a language misunderstanding. ‪#‎notbuyingit‬

Mummy Beauty On A Budget Tip:

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Don’t waste your money on expensive Juvederm injections at posh beauty clinics, simply allow your toddler to smack you in the mouth with the back of their head. You get the Hollywood “bee-stung-lip” look without the hefty price tag, and they get a lesson in four letter words they’re not supposed to say.

Silence

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Sometimes a moment of silence means the 16 month old is quietly amusing herself by looking at books. Sometimes a moment of silence means there are no longer any flaps remaining in the “lift the flap” books

Frosty

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There are some questions that you’ll never be quite prepared for, no matter how many parenting websites or Frozen FAQs you’ve read. Questions such as: “Mummy, does Queen Elsa have a cold bagina?”

SASS?

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My three year old just put her hands on her hips and said “Don’t you sass me, Mummy”. Did I fall asleep and wake up in Mississippi circa 1952? (Side note: I typed ‘Mississippi’ first time, without autocorrect helping me. Is there a prize?)

Oh, Au Pair!

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Thought I’d stumbled into some sort of “Supermodels Holding Cute Toddlers In A Playground” photo shoot when I took Tilly to her Plunket appointment this morning…but no, it was an Au Pair play group. Have never felt so short and un-accented in all my life.

Quick and easy prep for a trip to the vet with two little “helpers”:

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1. Lock cat inside an hour before departure. 2. Acknowledge that while it’s very clever that the three year old can unlock the cat’s door, she mustn’t do it right now. 3. Coax cat back inside and lock cat door again. 4. Pull down attic stairs to retrieve cat-cage, start to climb into 3.6 metre high ceiling. 5. Climb back down. Acknowledge that yes, the three year old is very good at climbing, but mustn’t follow you up. 6. Turn on Sesame Street, ply three year old with a treat, and put the baby (also keen to prove climbing prowess) in high chair with non-choking snack. 7. Pull attic stairs down again, retrieve cat-cage. 8. Watch cat freak out at sight of cage and run under bed. 9. Begin We Are Leaving The House Soon protocols (where are your shoes? Yes you must go to the toilet. Oh, crap, the baby needs changing. Yes you can go to the vet dressed as Queen Elsa. Have you found your shoes yet? No, we can’t wait until …

The trauma of normal

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“But that’s not fair! THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I AM MEANT TO BE LIVING!” -Amy struggling to contain her intense disappointment after I set her straight that she isn’t allergic to anything at all after she self-diagnosed herself as being allergic to peanuts and pollen.