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The Indignity of Motherhood

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I heard the phrase “you check your dignity in at the door during childbirth” bandied about a few times when I was pregnant. Sure, I’d seen the antenatal class photos and thought I knew what was up (and down, and sideways, and is-that-even-part-of-a-human-body?!), but after four endometriosis operations, a myriad of tests and a round of IVF, I already felt like my dignity was that unclaimed suitcase you see going around the luggage carousel at the airport. “It’s okay – you’re growing a baby!” Pregnancy introduces new levels of embarrassment to women the world over. Maybe you opened a car door and threw up in the gutter of a busy street while in the throes of morning sickness. Perhaps you kicked your shoes off under the desk at work then found yourself unable to cram them back on your swollen tootsies when it came time to attend a meeting. It’s not unusual to burst into noisy sobs during TV ads. Inappropriately timed and completely unexpected burps that rival those of a drunk first year university …

Rumbled.

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For nearly five years I’ve been secretly performing an elaborate regular ritual of making sure the stunt-double Snuggly looks the same as the Snuggly about to be put in the washing machine. My heart beats a little faster on swap-over day, ready to field suspicious questions: “Mum, does Snuggly seem a little…pointier nosed than usual? Does the bit of his hat I chewed off look…different to you?” Etc. Today during the Snuggly swap over I got rumbled by the cat. Now I feel like I’m the mother in a “Switched At Birth” made-for-TV-movie where a plucky young journalist knows he’s uncovered a Hidden Secret and is about to break his first Big Story then get hired by the NY Times. I’m going to have to buy Frankie’s silence with grated cheese and tuna brine (dolphin friendly).

I’ll leave that one uncorrected for now

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I know I’m supposed to correct pronunciation and mis-hears, but sometimes getting it wrong works in my favor. My top-40 music junkies have been meaningfully belting out “snuck out a little wee on the couch in the bathroom”, and asking questions about why someone would have a couch in their bathroom, and why someone else would wee on a couch in the bathroom when the toilet must be, like, RIGHT THERE. I’ll leave explaining that the actual lyric is “smoke a little weed on the couch in the back room” for another day.

Running with a side of Womanly Shame

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A desperate search for a valid reason to have a child-free weekend, combined with some sort of downhill-slide-to-forty crisis saw me signing up for an out of town marathon. My lofty goals were downgraded to a half marathon after I hurt my leg, although I didn’t mind much as it gave me great pleasure to say I had a “sport related injury” as if I was someone who sports often enough to sustain a sporty injury. With my parents looking after the girls, my husband and I set off on what I’d started imagining as a weekend of drinking and eating with a 21km jog slotted in. I’d usually rather give birth again than endure a five hour car journey through winding scenery, but without kids it was pure JOY. We had uninterrupted conversations the whole way. No one whined. No one threw up. No Wiggles music was played. No one demanded snacks. Actually that last one isn’t true – I demanded we stop and get a Snickers bar, just so I could eat chocolate …